I haven’t slept well for the past week or so and it’s starting to affect my head just a little. I cried because I was so tired and I couldn’t sleep. Like an infant.
I bought some valerian root herbal pills to help me sleep, they work alright, although the small print does say not to take them if you’re on anti-depressants.
I’ve signed up to run a 10K race in May for Mind and also I’m seeing friends tomorrow, so I’m hoping my mood will elevate.
I’ve found out I have anemia, due to a lack of hemoglobin in my red blood cells and an iron deficiency, so am now on iron tablets. I’ve also been prescribed Setraline but have to continue taking my Citalopram until I can wean off of it. I’m on five pills a day and I’m 20 just to be normalised.
I’m losing at this. I’m losing so much. I can’t see any finish line to a victory just a spiral of depression, anxiety and fuck ups. I don’t know my blood test results, my pills aren’t working as they should be and even my counselor can’t handle me, so yet again I’m being passed on and shifted around. I can’t handle this.
I haven’t posted in a while, mainly out of pure business doing other things and also lethargy. Here’s a catch up into the life of Dija.
Last week Saturday I almost passed out at work, I went grey and lightheaded, as the lights blurred together and the room began to lose solidity. I laid in the staff room, on the floor with my feet on a crate. It supposedly took half an hour for me to regain normality, even then my hand were still shaking. The reason behind it, I hit my elbow on the counter top at the till point, when turning round to ask a customer to come over to my side. I hit my elbow and almost fainted.
The bruise is still visible. It’s been joined by a wrist bruise. I can’t remember how I got that one. My legs are battered too. I look like I’ve been in a fight, which I’ve obviously lost. I feel aged with my aches and pains far beyond the twenty years I am.
I had my doctor’s appointment, she disregarded my pleas to change my antidepressants from Citalopram to Sertraline once more. Apparently I’ll get used to it, eventually. She wrote up a blood test referral and another prescription for 30mg of Citalopram. I went home and laid in bed, nodding off only a few times, before mustering the courage to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital. I hate the smell. The clinical feel. The lights. The crowds of people.
When I arrived at the hospital, 30 minutes before the blood test area closed for the day. I sat nervously waiting, scratching my wrist wishing the ground would suck me up or that I would spontaneously combust. My number was called. I took off my jacket and my hoodie, rolled up my sleeve and waited for the “little scratch” as the nurse described. My veins were difficult to surface and shared the same reluctant feeling as my mind. The “little scratch”, by no means little or a scratch, took five full tube with different coloured tops, left a mark and yet another bruise for me to add to my collection.
I rushed out of the hospital as soon as I could. I went to the library. I sat reading in a secluded armchair at the top of the stair, as my mind drifted between words on the page and the throbbing in my left arm. Two hours passed. I’d finished reading and decided it was time to start homeward bound to familiarity and the comforting solitude of my bedroom.
Anonymous asked: If times are bad for you, then you must remember this when you're facing loneliness. Relationships are tough as it is, and your situation doesn't help. But some day, someone will be able to love you regardless and help you past those boundaries. x
He loved me regardless of my illness. I just don’t feel strong enough to be in a relationship because I feel selfish for leaning on to him so much. I want to be able to stand independently, but it seems the more I try to stand to more I trip and fall. I’m just so afraid. x
My high points seem to be more and more short lived. The victories I make are more and more overshadowed by the demons of my anxiety.
I went to an event the other night for a student mental health group that’s just launch. I felt awkward there, I didn’t know anyone and even though I tried to interact with other it didn’t go so well. The organiser was really sweet, but I couldn’t help feeling an air of jealously towards her, because of her relationship. She could cope with the pressures of a relationship as well as having a mental illness. I couldn’t. I can’t.
I called my ex boyfriend last night, I just wanted to hear a comforting voice and he will always be a source of comfort and safety in my mind. He asked to meet. I agreed at first, but then doubt started seeping in to my mind again. The little airs of panic starting flaring up, igniting an inferno of angst within me. I cancelled and once more I became the source of his pain.
I just want to be held. I don’t want this illness. I want my mind to be normal. I want these thoughts gone. I want to be okay.
Today I had my haircut at the Sassoon Academy for a fiver. I mainly went as it was an affordable haircut and I wanted to do something for myself. My student stylist was a lovely girl from Italy who was originally from Cuba, her translator was really lovely too. She kept telling me how pretty I was. I wasn’t wearing any make up and felt rather frumpy, so this was a really nice thing to hear especially when I’ve been feeling so awful.
The senior stylist fell in love with my hair as he put it, and gave me his card to be his model when he does his teaching. I had about seven people crowding round me, telling me I was pretty and taking my photo. I felt like a celebrity (a shy one at that). Something about doing something for me and being made to feel glamorous, really upped my mood.
I went home and had a nap, I was rather exhausted. My sleeping pattern is still awful and I get tired so easily. I woke up, freshened up and went to my first counselling session. It wasn’t psychotherapy and I was so glad. I’m starting 12 sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy, then moving on to psychodynamic therapy. I’ll be learning more coping strategies and how to survive in this crazy game of life. I’m feeling positive and hopeful, it won’t be talking over the past in a game of snakes and ladders therapy anymore, I’ll finally be getting the proper help I need.