My anxiety is quite high at the moment on Tuesday I had a bit of a panicked breakdown and couldn’t leave the house until Thursday evening, even that was hard. I tried going out into the garden, the empty garden I should add but even that was too difficult for me to handle. I didn’t go to counselling on Tuesday my counselor called me and I explained the best I could that I couldn’t go outside and I was sorry.
Yesterday I made an effort to go to the corner shop and back and stocked up on some food. Things that were easy to make and didn’t need much effort. Today I went to meet my best friend before they went to Scotland for a month. I wouldn’t have gone outside if it wasn’t for them to be honest. They’re the only reason I turned up to work today. I wanted out the whole day. It’s not even that I dislike the public it is that I fear being surrounded by them. The noise, the chatter makes my head hurt and my skin crawl.
I need to get help. I’m going to contact the Citizens Advice Bureau. The psychiatrist still hasn’t contacted me. I’m not sure if I’m getting worse, or the same state of being I’ve been stuck in for a while now is just getting alot more noticeable and harder to hide from.
My pills have been switched for a third time to agomelatine, brand name valdoxan. I’m in the process of weaning off my sertraline and cross tapering them. The mood swings are erratic but I’m trying to keep calm and carry on.
If you’re not in Britain at the moment and are reading from somewhere else, we are going through a heatwave. I’ll not sure if the increased vitamin D exposure, the new medicine, CBT or more social activities are to thank but my moods lifted a fair bit. My anxiety is still pretty intense but I occasionally go outside and be social.
I have officially graduated and have a BA with honours degree in Journalism. I want to do a Masters in Political Science and Psychology so I can humanity with my greatest asset my voice and my words. I’m hoping I can make things change for the positive.
Where to start? I have not had a drink since last Friday when I went out with friends to a burlesque show in Soho, I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past and it started to creep back up on me in the form of solo bottle of red at home almost daily with the rare day off.
On Sunday I was taken to hospital from work due to breathing difficulties and chest pains. They said it could be due to my Sertraline dosage increase. I managed to get a GP appointment two days after on Tuesday morning. My dose was lowered back to 100mg so the night terrors are heightened, I still have breathing difficulties. My peak flow came in at 370 at its highest. (The norm is 700-800) I have an inhaler and received an email from my doctor showing my options. They compile if either more tries on different antidepressants and hope they don’t give me night terrors and night sweats or take one which may cause damage to my liver.
Yesterday I went to my first party sober, and ended up having a panic attack after my friend passed out in the toilet with the door locked. The mirror trick confirmed he was faced down on the floor. Luckily another friend managed to wake him from outside the door, which I had been trying get open for around half an hour then I just broke down completely.
When will you stop the night terrors, so don’t wake up soaked in my sweat terrified and also irritated. Another night of disturbed sleep.
When will the nausea stop, even time I take you I feel like crap for the next hour. Like I want to vomit, my brain aches as you swim around my mind making me sane. Or numb which is the case.
When will the anxiety stop. The insomnia. The things you’re supposed to help with. When will you stop hurting?
Things started to look up, work was tolerable and one of my colleagues who’s in Canada at the moment left me a gift which was really sweet and unexpected. It brightened my mood then I took the bus home.
I went to sit at the back then a man decided to sit right next to me despite several free seats and pushed up against me, I moved to the seat across but he kept staring at me. Really creepily I moved to the front of the bus closer to the driver. I thought he got off the bus, so started to read my book but at the next stop he came down the stairs and spat on me.
Coating half my face in his disgusting saliva. All I did was move away from him, I said nothing to him. I moved because I felt unsafe and I was spat on. I felt horrendous after and tried to hold back tears as I called the police to report the incident, I noted down the time, the license plate number of the bus, the running number, got a witness’s information and kept the tissue the driver had given me to wipe my face.
I stayed on the bus pass my stop and went to the police station. They had the record of the call and the officer on call was as horrified as I was. She was very sympathetic and agreed with me how disgusting the man was for his actions.
When I got in I washed my face three times. Wipes, face wash and exfoliating scrub. I still felt unclean. I still. I couldn’t help but cry. I kept thinking of how much worse does it have to get before it gets better. I’m starting to think better is a myth. It doesn’t exist for me, not in reality just in a deluded fantasy I keep trying to hold on to, hoping it will happen but it won’t. I’m giving up hope.
I’ve had a good couple of days if you look upon me from the outside, I’ve hung out with friends, booked my tattoo appointment with an amazing artist, hell I even won two toys on the claw game at the arcade (apparently this is very impressive).
Unfortunately for me the little things are still niggling away at me. Things that have always are just personifying and appear more vivid. I still get the night sweats, my anxiety means I’m more anti social than ever and the thought of seeing my friends freaks me out, even though I love them dearly.
I just want to stay in bed and hide away from everything and everyone.
I love my friends and I want to see them but this mental block, this fucking mental block holds me down like an anchor to drown into my depressive state of mind. Attaching cement blocks to my feet, binding my limbs and throwing me overboard into pirahna infested water.
I’m losing my grip on myself. I’m questioning now if I ever had one. Was I ever normal? Was I ever sane? Did I ever function properly? I’m not sure.
My dreams and nightmares are merging in my head that half the time i have no idea what’s real and what isn’t. I’m angry at people for acts in my subconscious mind which they have not committed.
I fear them so I avoid them although they have done nothing, and in this sense it is all on my head (where else would it be when you think about it, my liver?)
I just want to have a grip on something, anything to keep me grounded and help me get through this. I feel like I’ve exhausted every avenue available but surely there must be something left for me out there. Somewhere. Something. Someone who can help.
Not take the pain away but aid me in my own self healing. My own process to fight this demon and learn to live with it as a benign force rather than a malignant being manifesting itself further and further, distancing my from my self and sending me down the rabbit hole.
I was put on the higher dose of Sertraline, to its maximum 150mg a day because of my night sweats but after 6 days of talking my new dose I’m still having night sweats. I’m tired of having to continuously get changed in the night and change my bedding so many times. I sleep with a cold air fan on full speed all night with the windows open but yet it still happens.
My lucid dreams are gaining momentum and falling deeper into the realm of scary rather than just weird. I just want a good nights sleep.
In other news my mood has brightened up slightly after a horrendous weekend at work where I was kept late both days for over an hour to sort out someone else’s mess. I went to Thorpe Park yesterday with some university friends, it was really fun and I finally rode on Tidal Wave, the UKIP taxi driver was a put off when we first arrived in Staines but we had a laugh about their ridiculousness after.
Tomorrow I have a tattoo consultation and on Friday I should be seeing friends. Fingers cross this is going to be an okay week.
Anonymous said: Keep trying, it'll get better with time.
I hope so.
Anonymous said: Don't give up, you're stronger than that.
I don’t feel very strong right now. They just keep pumping me full of pills, trying to make me better but it’s not helping. I went to my counselor yesterday, I had to do a 13 week questionnaire and I’m back to week 1 and 2.